To
Sequence or Not Two Sequins
An Absurdist Comedy in Three Acts
by
Mauricio Alejandro Villalobos, Copyright 2017
BEFORE
EACH ACT MUSIC IS HEARD. THERE IS NO INTERMISSION.
SCENE
1
AN
INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF 'TOO MARVELOUS FOR WORDS' FADES AS LIGHTS
COME UP ON THE INSIDE OF A HIGH-END FORTUNE 500 CONFERENCE ROOM. THE
DOUBLE DOORS TO THE ROOM ARE POSITIONED UPSTAGE LEFT AND LOOK OF MAHOGANY. ON THE BACK WALL THE COMPANY NAME, PERHAPS “SEQinc”,
IN LARGE VERY OSTENTATIOUS LOOKING BACK-LIT LETTERS IS DISPLAYED. A LARGE TABLE
DOMINATES THE ROOM FLANKED BY A DRY-ERASE BOARD ON THE STAGE LEFT
SIDE THAT READS “ACT FIRST, THINK LATER”, “LEARN HOW TO LEARN”,
“THERE'S NO I IN TEAM”, “QUANTITY OVER QUALITY IMPROVES YOUR
CHANCES” AND BY A
RIDICULOUSLY ENORMOUS PLANT ON THE STAGE RIGHT SIDE THAT WOULD RIVAL
DISNEY'S TREE OF LIFE. IT SHOULD MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER HOW THEY
GOT IT IN THE ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE. ATOP THE TABLE SIT A PITCHER
OF WATER, GLASSES, A TRAY WITH BAGELS, MUFFINS AND A PINEAPPLE, A
CONFERENCE PHONE, FILE FOLDERS, LOTS OF PAPER, PENS, PENCILS, FORBES
500 MAGAZINES AND A FEW HEAVY LOOKING LEGAL BOOKS. FOUR SUITS SIT
AROUND THE TABLE: BOB, WHO LOOKS THE OLDEST, IS A ROBUST 'GOOD OLD
BOY', ANA PRETENDS SHE IS THE ALPHA MALE, MICHAEL IS A NICOTINE PATCH
AWAY FROM JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW AND PAUL IS A DIM AND HARMLESS
INTERN WHO IS ONLY THERE TO WATER THE PLANT. BOB AND MICHAEL ARE
DRESSED IN BROOKS BROTHERS SUITS. ANA WEARS HIGH HEELS, A SHORT SUIT
SKIRT, MATCHING JACKET, SILK BLOUSE, DESIGNER GLASSES THAT SHE
DOESN'T NEED, HAIR EXTENSIONS UP IN A BUN AND A STRING OF FAKE PEARLS. SHE RESEMBLES SARAH PALIN. PAUL IS IN A DRESS SHIRT AND LOOSE TIE WITH
HIS SLEEVES ROLLED UP. THE VOLUME, INTENSITY, SPEED AND PHYSICAL
VIOLENCE IN THE SCENE SHOULD START AT RESTRAINED INSANITY AND END IN ARMAGEDDON.
THE PLANT SHOULD BE THE ONLY THING LEFT STANDING BY THE END OF THIS
SCENE. THE CLOCK ON THE WALL READS 10:09.
BOB
(Pounds
the table with a book) Bang, Bang, Bang! I sequentially call this
meeting to-
ANA
(Interrupts)
Bob, did you put that in four?
BOB
I
disgustingly did not.
ANA
Sequentially
put it in four.
BOB
Bang,
Bang, Bang, Bang!
MICHAEL
Powerful
introduction!
BOB
I
sequentially call this meeting to order. And since I have the
congratulations, the only-
ANA
Congratulations,
Michael. Bob does NOT have the congratulations anymore.
MICHAEL
The
only contractual obligation is that we contact the FBI.
BOB
Not
pornography again!
MICHAEL
I
disgustedly contacted the FBI so that we can sequentially continue in
pornography.
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael-
BOB
Is
that sequentially in six or in three?
ANA
I
disgustingly put it in six.
MICHAEL
It's
disgustedly not disgustingly.
BOB
Yes
and yes! Congratulations, mujer.
PAUL
Ooohh,
bilingual!
ANA
And
the only policy is that we contractually-
MICHAEL
Wait
a minute, wait a minute. I AM the congratulations so the only policy
is that the contractual obligation contact-
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
There
are TWO serious consequences-
ANA
Congratulations,
Bob. You sequentially-
BOB
Interesting
how I sequentially contacted the FBI-
MICHAEL
Wait
a minute, wait a minute-
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael. You DON'T have the congratulations anymore and you put it
in eight instead of in six.
MICHAEL
But
I pretended to be the mujer so that I can sequentially continue.
BOB
There
are serious consequences-
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael. Bob is NOT the MUJER either.
BOB
There
are serious consequences if Michael PRETENDS to be the mujer inside
the congratulations.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
PAUL
(Quietly)
Sequence.
BOB
Paul,
YOU don't disgustingly sequence.
MICHAEL
Congratulations,
Paul.
PAUL
(Screams)
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
The
only policy is that we sequentially continue in gay pornography so
that the sequential reality-
PAUL
The
VIRTUAL reality-
MICHAEL
SEQUENCE!
PAUL
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
So
that the VIRTUAL reality can sequentially-
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Michael. YOU don't sequentially have the
congratulations. PAUL has the congratulations.
MICHAEL
But
I disgustingly disgustedly pretended to be Paul so that I would
sequentially have the congratulations.
PAUL
I
just want to continue in gay pornography.
BOB
There
are serious consequences-
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
AND PAUL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE SEQUENCE!
BOB
Sequentially,
thank you very much.
ANA
Let
me tell you something else, Bob.
BOB
Disgustingly,
no you may not.
ANA
I
disgustingly have the congratulations so that I can sequence the
contractual obligation.
MICHAEL
But
I pretended to be the mujer.
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Michael.
MICHAEL,
BOB and PAUL
SEQUENTIALLY, NO YOU MAY NOT!
BOB
The
only disgusting obligation is the sequence inside the
congratulations.
MICHAEL
Congratulations,
Michael.
ANA
MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL!
MICHAEL
The
only contractual obligation is that we contact the FBI.
PAUL
SEQUENCE!
BOB
Paul,
you don't disgustingly sequence.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
Michael,
you CANNOT give yourself the congratulations.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
But
I was only pretending to be the congratulations.
ANA
Sequentially
romanticize this all you want, but everyone heard you give yourself
the congratulations.
MICHAEL
SHUT THE HELL UP, MUJER!
ANA
I
sequentially don't understand-
MICHAEL
You
cannot disgustingly disgustedly steal my sequential misunderstanding
just so you can be on top.
PAUL
Sitting
on top doesn't count.
MICHAEL,
BOB and PAUL
(Throwing legal books at ANA) SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
PAUL
Can
we still sequentially contact the FBI?
MICHAEL
Good
afternoon everybody.
ANA
(Looks
at her watch) Michael, it's sequentially only 10:09 in the morning. (They
all look down at their watches and nod in agreement)
MICHAEL
Never
mind, never mind.
ANA
Congratulations,
at least you put it in six this time.
BOB
ABSOLUTELY NOT. MUJER!
PAUL
(Throwing bagels at ANA) SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
If
we contact the FBI, we can sequentially continue in pornography as
long as we don't make a (MICHAEL becomes very confused) disgustingly disgustedly disgusting mujer.
PAUL
Gay
pornography?
BOB
There
are serious consequences-
MICHAEL
(Throwing fruit at BOB) DON'T SEQUENTIALLY DEFEND THE MUJER!
BOB
Never
mind, never mind.
MICHAEL
Disgustingly
disgustedly give ME THE SEQUENTIAL CONGRATULATIONS SO THAT I CAN CON-
PAUL
-SEQUENCE!
BOB
AND ANA
PAUL, YOU DON'T SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
SO THAT I CAN CON-
PAUL
-SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
SO THAT I CAN CON-
PAUL
-SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
SO THAT I CAN-
BOB
CONSEQUENCES, CONSEQUENCES. There are SERIOUS consequences!
ANA
SHUT
THE HELL UP, BOB! (ANA throws one of her shoes at BOB, who ducks just in time. The shoe hits the giant office tree and sticks it with the heel)
MICHAEL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
I
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES!
BOB
To
tell you the truth I'm just glad you put it in six.
ANA
Two
over two, Bob. Two over two!
BOB
Let
me say something, mujer
ANA
Disgustingly
you may not.
BOB
I
meant SEQUENTIALLY, not disgustingly.
ANA
Congratulations,
Bob.
BOB
The
only SEQUENTIAL obligation is disgustingly in six and not in two.
ANA
SEQUENTIALLY not disgustingly.
MICHAEL
(Correcting ANA) Disgustingly DISGUSTEDLY.
BOB
(to MICHAEL) Yes and yes! (to ANA) THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER! DIDN'T YOU SEQUENTIALLY HEAR ME?!
ANA
I
heard you DISGUSTINGLY not sequentially.
BOB
DON'T SEQUENTIALLY CONFUSE ME, MUJER!
MICHAEL
WAIT
A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!
ANA
Michael,
that was in eight.
MICHAEL
What
about ME, ME, ME?!
ANA
And
that was in three.
MICHAEL
I'M SO SICK OF YOUR DISGUSTINGLY DISGUSTEDLY DISGUSTING SEQUENCES! I JUST WANT A SEQUENTIAL REALITY!
PAUL
I
just want sequential gay pornography.
MICHAEL,
BOB AND ANA
(Throwing anything they can find at PAUL) SHUT
THE HELL UP, PAUL!
PAUL
(Panics)
SEQUENCE! NO, WAIT!
BOB
Mujer,
I sequentially think you are doing this on personal gain.
ANA
PERSONAL GAIN, Bob? PERSONAL GAIN? Why can't you disgustingly communicate like
a normal sequential mujer like the rest of us?
BOB
(Offended) There
is NOTHING sequentially wrong with the way I disgustingly
communicate!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
ANA
You
know what?
PAUL
Danny
Kaye?
ANA
(confused) WHAT?!
PAUL
Never
mind, never mind!
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Michael. You better not sequentially be
enjoying this disgusting conversation.
MICHAEL
Even
though, I don't sequentially enjoy you and Bob disgustingly
disgustedly-
ANA
-SEQUENTIALLY.
MICHAEL
SEQUENTIALLY
disgustingly disgustedly communicating about the stupid sequences,
the only CONTRACTUAL obligation is that I enjoy the sequential
reality.
BOB
Michael,
there are SERIOUS consequences for enjoying the sequential reality.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
I
only defended the mujer because she can sequentially contact the FBI
in HETEROSEXUAL pornography.
PAUL
(Throwing water at BOB) I just want sequential GAY PORNOGRAPHY!
MICHAEL
SEQUENCE!
ANA
Don't
disgustingly defend Paul.
MICHAEL
But
I pretended that Paul was the mujer so I can sequentially continue in
gay pornography without defending the disgustingly disgustedly disgusting seriously stupid mujer.
ANA
I'M
THE ONLY SEQUENTIAL DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER!
BOB
I
hate to admit it, but disgustingly I have to sequentially agree.
MICHAEL
AND PAUL
(Throwing chairs and books at BOB they chase him around the room)
BOB!!!
BOB
(BOB runs for his life) She
is sequentially the ONLY disgustingly seriously stupid mujer!
ANA
(Jumping the gun) SEQUENCE! Wait a minute, wait a minute!
MICHAEL
BUT I WANT TO SEQUENTIALLY BE THE ONLY DISGUSTINGLY DISGUSTEDLY DISGUSTING SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER!
ANA
DISGUSTEDLY stupid Michael, not DISGUSTINGLY stupid!
MICHAEL
WHY,
WHY, WHY?!
BOB
Is
it sequentially time for lunch yet?
PAUL
Oh
look, a penny!
ALL
SEQUENCE!
BLACKOUT
SCENE
2
AN
INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF 'A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION' BY ELVIS PRESLEY
IS HEARD DURING THE BLACKOUT AND FADES AS LIGHTS COME UP ON THE
CORPORATE LUNCHROOM. BOB, ANA AND MICHAEL ARE SITTING AT A TABLE ALREADY EATING. ANA SITS CENTER AND HAS A MELON SIZED APPLE, A HALF GALLON
TROPICANA ORANGE PINEAPPLE JUICE, A GIANT EAR OF CORN AND A HUGE PILE
OF MASHED POTATOES ON HER TRAY. BOB HAS A STUFFED LOBSTER, A BAG OF
ALREADY POPPED POP-SECRET POPCORN, A 3-LITER BOTTLE OF DIET MOUNTAIN DEW, A GIANT BANANA AND A GALLON OF COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM ON HIS TRAY. MICHAEL HAS
AN UBER SIZE SLICE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE, A PINT OF WHOPPERS MALT BALLS, AND
6 KOOL-AID JUICE POUCHES. THERE IS ALSO A BOX OF DUNKIN DONUTS ON THE
TABLE BUT IT'S NOT CLEAR TO WHOM IT BELONGS. THERE IS A TINY
CLEAR VASE ON THE TABLE WITH ONE LONELY MINIATURE CALA LILY IN IT.
PAUL STANDS UPSTAGE STILL DECIDING WHAT TO HAVE FOR LUNCH. HE WILL
DECIDE ON THE RENAISSANCE FAIR SIZE TURKEY LEG AND A GALLON OF
POLAND SPRING WATER. ALL THE FOOD ITEMS ARE MUCH LARGER THAN ACTUAL
SIZE AND SHOULD ALMOST UPSTAGE THE ACTORS. THE LUNCH STAFF
AND OTHER EMPLOYEES ARE BLACK CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS. THE
CLOCK ON THE WALL READS 10:09.
BOB
(Shouts
upstage to Paul and shakes a banana) Paul, Paul, Paul! (to Ana and
Michael) Listen up, kids. What we need here is a swell and neat idea!
Maybe put on a show in a barn or something and since I'm sequentially
head of-
ANA
Did
you tell Paul where we're sitting?
BOB
See
here, mujer. I most certainly did.
ANA
Did
you tell him in four?
BOB
Look
dollface, I disgustingly told him in three.
ANA
Well,
sequentially tell him in four! And for Pete's sake, Bob, stop talking
like Mickey Rooney.
BOB
Atheist.
MICHAEL
Powerful
introduction!
BOB
I
sequentially decided to call this lunch to order. But since Ana is an
Atheist we will disgustingly forego saying sequential grace! Amen!
ANA
Congratulations,
Michael. Bob does NOT have the congratulations anymore.
MICHAEL
The
only contractual obligation is that we contact the FDA.
BOB
Not
Weight Watchers again!
MICHAEL
I
disgustedly contacted the FDA so that we can sequentially continue in
pornography.
BOB
In
pornography? I didn't even order the Polish sausage today!
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael!
BOB
Is
that sequentially in six or in three?
ANA
I
disgustingly put it in six.
MICHAEL
It's
disgustedly NOT disgust- Oh never mind!
BOB
Never
mind it is! Congratulations, mujer.
PAUL
Ooohh,
is someone having Mexican?
ANA
And
the only policy is that we contractually-
MICHAEL
Wait
a minute, wait a minute. I AM the congratulations so the only policy
is that the contractual obligation contact-
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
There
are THREE serious consequences-
PAUL
I
LOVE tres leches!
ANA
Congratulations,
Bob. You sequentially-
BOB
Interesting
how I sequentially contact the FDA-
MICHAEL
Wait
a minute, wait a minute!
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael. You DON'T have the congratulations and you put it
in eight instead of in six.
MICHAEL
But
I PRETENDED to be the mujer so that I can sequentially continue.
BOB
There
are serious consequences!
ANA
Michael,
Michael, Michael. Bob is NOT the mujer either.
BOB
There
are SERIOUS consequences if Michael PRETENDS to be the mujer and it's
not even Taco Tuesday inside the congratulations!
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE SEQUENCE!
PAUL
(Quietly)
Sequence?
BOB
Paul,
YOU DON'T DISGUSTINGLY SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
Congratulations,
Paul.
PAUL
(Screams
with excitement) OLE! I mean SEQUENCE!
BOB
Paul,
you're sequentially a maraca short of a Mariachi Band, you know that?
MICHAEL
The
only policy is STILL that we sequentially continue in gay
pornography, so that the sequential reality-
PAUL
The
VIRTUAL reality.
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
So
that the VIRTUAL reality can sequentially-
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Michael. YOU don't sequentially have the
congratulations. PABLO over there has the congratulations.
MICHAEL
But
I disgustingly PRETENDED to be Paul so that I would sequentially have
the congratulations.
PAUL
I
just want to continue in Bi Latin Pigs gay for pay pornography.
BOB,
ANA and MICHAEL
PAUL!!!!
BOB
There
are SERIOUS consequences!
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
BOB
Don't
you DARE sequence Bi Latin Pigs gay for pay pornography at the lunch
table!
MICHAEL
Never
mind, never mind!
BOB
Sequentially,
muchas gracias and thank you very much!
ANA
Let
me tell you something else, Bob.
BOB
Disgustingly,
no you may not. NUNCA, MUJER! NUNCA!
PAUL
Ooohh,
just like a telenovela!
ANA
I
disgustingly have the congratulations so that I can sequence the
contractual obligation.
MICHAEL
But
I PRETENDED to be the mujer!
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Marisol.
MICHAEL,
BOB and PAUL
SEQUENTIALLY, NO YOU MAY NOT!
PAUL
(Loses
control and queers out) NUNCA!
BOB
The
only disgusting obligation is the SEQUENCE inside the
congratulations.
MICHAEL
(In
a high-pitched fake female voice) Congratulations, Michael!
ANA
Miguel,
Miguel, Miguel!
MICHAEL
The ONLY contractual obligation is that we contact the FDA.
PAUL
SEQUENCE!
BOB
Pablo,
you don't disgustingly sequence.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
And
Miguel, you CANNOT give yourself the congratulations.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
But
I was only PRETENDING to be the congratulations.
ANA
Mira,
sequentially romanticize this all you want, but everyone heard you
give yourself the congratulations.
MICHAEL
AY!
SHUT THE HELL UP, MUJER!
ANA
I
sequentially don't understand Spanish.
MICHAEL
You CANNOT disgustingly steal my sequential misunderstanding just so you
can be on top jefe!
PAUL
(Just can't
help himself) HA! TOP JEF!! COOKING ON TOP DOESN'T COUNT! (The words
HELL'S KITCHEN suddenly appear projected on the back wall of the
dining room)
ALL
(Losing
their minds they chant like a cult while ANA starts projectile vomiting as they spin her around in her chair and throw water at her face) SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
ANA
(In
a demonic voice speaking in tongues) AX ITI UT MOOLY CHOOP LIOP CHA CHA
CHA, etc.
BOB,
MICHAEL and PAUL
ABSOLUTELY!
PAUL
Yeah,
but can we still sequentially contact the FDA?
MICHAEL
Buenas
noches every body!
ANA
(Looking at her watch) Michael, it's sequentially only 10:09 in the afternoon! (They all look down at their watches and nod in agreement)
PAUL
I
LOVE an early lunch!
MICHAEL
NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND!
ANA
Congratulations! At least you put it in six this time.
BOB
Absolutely
NO, mujer!
PAUL
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
If
we contact the FDA, we can sequentially continue in pornography as
long as we don't make a disgustingly disgusting mujer.
PAUL
(Excited)
GAY pornography?
BOB
There
are SERIOUS consequences!
MICHAEL
DON'T SEQUENTIALLY DEFEND LA MUJER!
BOB
Never
mind, never mind!
ANA
(Loses
total control as BOB and MICHAEL take turns slapping her face and throwing water at her throughout the next several lines of dialogue) DISGUSTINGLY GIVE ME, ME, ME THE SEQUENTIAL
CONGRATULATIONS SO THAT I CAN CON-
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
FER GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
FER
GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
FER
GOD'S SAKE!
PAUL
(Throwing donuts at her and totally confused) I THOUGHT HER NAME WAS ANA!
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FER
GOD'S SAKE!
PAUL
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? GOSPEL BRUNCH?!
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FER
GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
LUCI!-
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FER
GOD'S SAKE!
MICHAEL, BOB and PAUL
LUCI,
FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!! (The HELL'S KITCHEN
projection short circuits, sparks fly and it goes out with a puff of
smoke. They all cross themselves.)
BOB
To
tell you the truth, I'm just glad we put it in six.
ANA
(Spent
and delirious she looks like a palm tree after a hurricane) Two over
two over two, Bob!
BOB
Let
me say something, mujer.
ANA
(Giving in) Disgustingly,
what you got?
BOB
I
mean sequentially, not disgustingly.
ANA
You
betcha!
BOB
The
only sequential obligation is disgustingly in six and not in two.
ANA
(Totally
confused) Sequentially, not disgustingly?
MICHAEL
Disgustingly NO AND NO! SEQUENTIALLY!
BOB
(to MICHAEL) Yes and yes! (to ANA) THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER! DIDN'T YOU SEQUENTIALLY HEAR ME?!
ANA
(Doesn't have a clue) I
heard you disgustingly AND sequentially that time.
BOB
DON'T SEQUENTIALLY CONFUSE ME, MUJER!
MICHAEL
WAIT
A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! (They all look down at their watches and
actually wait what they think is 60 seconds before the next line is
said. They all frantically start hitting their watches during this
time realizing none of them work, then look at each other in a panic
not knowing when to continue. Paul, who is now in tears, just whispers
'Mississippi' over and over to himself)
ANA
(Finally
unable to stand the silence) MICHAEL, THAT WAS IN EIGHT!
BOB
(A hot mess) LIKE HELL IT WAS!
(A hot mess) LIKE HELL IT WAS!
PAUL
(Still crying) IN A NEW YORK MINUTE!
MICHAEL
(Suicidal) WHAT ABOUT ME, ME, ME?!
ALL FOUR
AND THAT
WAS IN THREE!!!!! (Suddenly giddy with uncontrolled laughter)
MICHAEL
I'm SO SICK of your disgustingly disgusting sequences! I just want a
SEQUENTIAL reality!
PAUL
I
just want sequential GAY pornography.
MICHAEL,
BOB and ANA
(Throwing food at PAUL) SHUT
THE HELL UP, PAUL!
PAUL
(Panics and queers out)
SEQUENCE! (A loud and ominous metal door is heard slamming shut and
echoes away) NO, WAIT!!!!!!!!
BOB
Mujer,
I sequentially think you are doing this on personal gain.
ANA
PERSONAL GAIN, Bob? PERSONAL GAIN? I wish you would communicate like a NORMAL sequential mujer like the rest of us!
BOB
(Offended) There
is NOTHING sequentially wrong with the way I DISGUSTINGLY communicate!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
ANA
You
know what?
PAUL
Phillis
Dyller?
ANA
(confused) WHAT?!
PAUL
Never
mind, never mind!
ANA
Let
me tell you something, Michael. You better not be sequentially enjoying this disgusting conversation.
MICHAEL
Even
though, I don't sequentially enjoy you and Bob disgustingly-
ANA
SEQUENTIALLY.
MICHAEL
SEQUENTIALLY
disgustingly communicating about the stupid sequences, the ONLY contractual obligation is that I enjoy the sequential reality!
BOB
Michael,
there are SERIOUS consequences for enjoying the sequential reality.
ANA
SEQUENCE!
BOB
I
only defended the mujer because she can sequentially contact the FDA
in HETEROSEXUAL pornography.
PAUL
But
Bob, you're so gay your CLOSET came out instead!
MICHAEL and PAUL
SEQUENCE!
ANA
and BOB
DON'T DISGUSTINGLY DEFEND PAUL!
MICHAEL
But
I only PRETENDED that Paul was the mujer so I can sequentially continue in
gay pornography without defending the disgustingly disgusting
seriously stupid mujer.
ANA
(ANA takes a huge bite out of the apple and starts choking)
I'M THE ONLY SEQUENTIAL DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER!!!!!!!!!
BOB
(Ignoring ANA) I hate to admit it, but disgustingly I have to sequentially
agree.
MICHAEL
and PAUL
(Throwing food and chairs at him they chase him around the room) BOB!
BOB
(Runs for his life as ANA continues to choke and gasp for air) She IS sequentially the ONLY DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER!
ANA
(Barely croaks
it out) SEQUENCE! (Frantically starts waving her arms like a crazed bird as if to
say 'Wait a minute, Wait a minute')
MICHAEL
(Completely
oblivious to ANA) BUT I WANT TO SEQUENTIALLY BE THE ONLY DISGUSTINGLY DISGUSTING SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER!
ANA
(Frantic and out of air) DISGUSTEDLY stupid, Michael! NOT DISGUSTINGLY STUPID! (Not a word is understood)
MICHAEL
WHY,
WHY, WHY?!
BOB
Is
it sequentially time for squash yet? (ANA does a full face plant
right into her mound of mashed potatoes)
PAUL
(Pointing at the box of donuts) Oh look, sprinkles!
ALL
SEQUENCE!
BLACKOUT
as an ambulance siren is heard.
SCENE
3
AN
INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF 'PICK A
LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE' FROM THE MUSIC MAN IS HEARD DURING THE BLACKOUT AND FADES AS
LIGHTS COME UP ON A HOSPITAL ROOM. ANA LAYS IN A HOSPITAL BED WITH
HER MOUTH TAPED SHUT EXCEPT FOR A BREATHING TUBE STICKING OUT. SHE
HAS AN IV IN ONE ARM AND IS HOOKED UP TO A BREATHING MACHINE AND
MACHINES MONITORING HER VITALS. IN ONE HAND SHE HOLDS A BUZZER MEANT TO ALERT THE NURSE. THIS IS THE ONLY FORM OF COMMUNICATION SHE HAS THROUGHOUT. THE SOUND OF
THE BUZZER SHOULD BE DISTINCT ENOUGH TO ALWAYS BE HEARD BUT NOT SO
LOUD OR STRIDENT THAT IT BECOMES DISTRACTING OR ANNOYING. A DELICATE BALANCE MUST BE ACHIEVED WHEN SELECTING THE
SOUND OF THE HAND BUZZER SO THAT IT IS ALWAYS COMICAL FOR THE
AUDIENCE. THERE IS A LARGE VASE FILLED WITH GIANT CALA LILIES, GET WELL BALLOONS AND A CARD NEXT TO THE OTHER BED IN THE ROOM WHICH IS EMPTY. THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
READS 10:09.
BOB
(Knocks
at the hospital door along with MICHAEL and PAUL) Knock, knock,
knock! I sequentially call this visit officially-
ANA
(with
her hand buzzer) BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP?
BOB
No,
Helen, I disgustingly did NOT.
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP.
BOB
Well
alright, Ms. Keller. But I'm NOT the sequential Miracle Worker.
Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock!
MICHAEL
Powerful
introduction!
BOB
I
sequentially decided to call this visit official so we can get paid
for the time, except for Ana, of course, who is an ice cube short of
an igloo at the moment.
ANA
(Angry
and fast) BEEP, BEEEEEEEEEP, BEEP!
MICHAEL
The
only contractual obligation is that we contact the EMS.
BOB
Not
the city morgue again!
MICHAEL
I
disgustedly contacted the EMS so that we can sequentially continue in
pornography.
BOB
In PORNOGRAPHY? I didn't even mention NECRONARCOPHILLIA today!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP?
BOB
When
someone sequentially keeps disgustingly falling asleep while trying
to screw a dead person!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP.
BOB
Is
that sequentially in six or in three?
ANA
BEEP!
MICHAEL
It's DISGUSTEDLY not DISGUSTINGLY!
ANA
BEEEEEEEP!
BOB
You
most certainly did NOT, mujer!
ANA
BEEEEEEP!
BOB
NOW
you did! Congratulations, mujer.
PAUL
Ooohh, I LOVE Morse Code!
ANA
BEEEEEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEP!
MICHAEL
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! I AM the congratulations, so the ONLY policy
is that the contractual obligation contact-
ANA
BEEP!
BOB
There
is ONE serious consequence!
PAUL
I
LOVED Titanic!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEEEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
BOB
Interesting
how I sequentially contact the EMS-
MICHAEL
Wait
a minute, wait a minute!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEEEEEEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
MICHAEL
But
I ONLY PRETENDED to be the mujer so that I can sequentially continue-
BOB
There
are SERIOUS consequences!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP. BEEEEEEEEP, BEEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
BOB
There
are SERIOUS consequences if Michael PRETENDS to be the mujer WITHOUT workman's compensation inside the congratulations.
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP!
MICHAEL
(Imitating the buzzer) BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! I mean, SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
PAUL
(quietly)
Sequence?
BOB
Paul,
YOU don't disgustingly sequence!
MICHAEL
Congratulations,
Paul.
PAUL
(Screams
with excitement and queers out) LOOK, THE MAURITANIA! (grabs the buzzer away from
Ana and wildly starts beeping SOS. Short, short, long, long, long, short, short,
etc. He climbs on the empty bed, while MICHAEL starts wheeling him around as BOB throws ice cubes and the styrofoam stuffing from the inside of a
pillow at them. ANA grabs the buzzer back) I
mean SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
The
only policy is STILL that we sequentially continue in GAY pornography, so that the sequential reality-
PAUL
The
VIRTUAL reality!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
So
that the VIRTUAL reality can sequentially-
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEEEEP. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. BEEEEEEEEEP. BEEP!
MICHAEL
But
I disgustedly PRETENDED to be Paul so that I would sequentially have
the congratulations!
PAUL
I
just want to continue in gay necronarcophillia pornography.
BOB,
ANA and MICHAEL
(Horrified.
The sound is amplified greatly for this line) PAUL/BEEP!!!!!! (The
sound of an old radio drama organ is heard playing a chord that can
only mean trouble. Then thunder and lightning)
BOB
THERE ARE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES!
ANA
BEEEEEEEP!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
SEQUENCE,
SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
BOB
Don't
you DARE sequence gay necronarcophillia pornography without workman's
compensation!
MICHAEL
Never
mind, never mind!
BOB
Sequentially, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
BOB
Disgustingly,
no you may not.
PAUL
Ooohh,
NOT ENOUGH LIFEBOATS!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEEEEEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
MICHAEL
But
I ONLY PRETENDED to be the mujer!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP!
MICHAEL,
BOB and PAUL
SEQUENTIALLY, NO YOU MAY NOT!
PAUL
(Loses
control and queers out) IT'S FREEZING!!!!!!
BOB
The
only disgusting obligation is the sequence inside the
congratulations!
MICHAEL
(In
a thick Irish accent) Congratulations, Michael!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP.
MICHAEL
The ONLY contractual obligation is that we contact the EMS!
PAUL
(He jumps at
the foot of the empty bed and spreads his arms out like the King of
The World from Titanic while MICHAEL throws hospital rags around his neck. MICHAEL holds him from behind. They both queer out and sing) SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
BOB
ROSE, YOU DON'T DISGUSTINGLY SEQUENCE!
ANA
BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
BOB
(to MICHAEL) And JACK, you CANNOT give yourself the congratulations! ESPECIALLY NOT FROM SEQUENTIAL THIRD CLASS, ME LAD!
ANA
BEEEEEEEEP!
MICHAEL
But we were only PRETENDING to be the congratulations!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP. BEEP, BEEEEEEEEEEP. (Suddenly, a mechanical arm swivels
from behind ANA and pushes her onto her stomach while another mechanical arm inserts a rectal thermometer in
her anus. MICHAEL, BOB and PAUL panic and jump on the other bed.
Suddenly, both beds rotate sideways, the lower half of the beds
begin to rise and the upper half begin to descend. The ship is
sinking. The beds roll from one end of the room to the other as items
in the room begin to fall and roll across the floor in a similar fashion. A cello rolls in
from stage right and then back off again. Mayhem ensues, lights
flicker, emergency lights turn on and off while offstage hospital crew are seen running
in a panic through the glass windows on the door and walls of the room. Giant water guns are used to soak them from offstage. Suddenly, a series of loud beeps are heard while a recorded computerized voice says “100.9 DEGREES...FAHRENHEIT". The
others look at their watches and nod in agreement as the mechanical
arm releases ANA while the thermometer bursts into flames and retreats back into the wall. The lights finally return to normal)
ANA
(Wild and frantic) BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
MICHAEL,
BOB and PAUL
(In
tears) SHUT THE HELL UP, MUJER!
ANA
BEEP!
MICHAEL
You CANNOT disgustedly steal my sequential misunderstanding just so you
can SIT ON TOP!
PAUL
(Rapidly
and still in shock) Sitting on top, not enough boats, sitting on top,
not enough boats, sitting on top, not enough boats, sitting on top...
MICHAEL
GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! (They all look at their watches and nod in
agreement)
PAUL
It
IS awfully dark for 10:09 in the afternoon!
MICHAEL
NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND!
ANA
BEEP,
BEEP, BEEEP.
BOB
ABSOLUTELY NOT, MUJER!
PAUL
SEQUENCE!
MICHAEL
If
we contact the EMS, we can sequentially continue in pornography as
long as we don't make a disgustedly disgusting mujer!
PAUL
GAY
pornography?!
BOB
There
are SERIOUS conse..con..conseq...conse... (he's stuck)
conse..con..con...conseq.....consequen (PAUL throws a plastic tub
full of ice at him) CONSEQUENCES!
MICHAEL
Don't
sequentially defend la mujer!
BOB
Ne...ne...ne....ne... (he's
stuck again) ne...ne...ne...ne... (MICHAEL throws a plastic bedpan
at him) NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND!
ANA
(Loses
total control and rides her buzzer)
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
BOB
(Takes
the hospital bed remote and violently bends ANA in half head first
onto her lap each time throughout the next several lines of dialogue) ANA!
MICHAEL
(takes
another remote and bends ANA in half feet first onto her face throughout)
FOR
GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
ANA!
MICHAEL
FOR GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
ANA!
MICHAEL
FOR
GOD'S SAKE!
PAUL
(Ridiculous and delirious) I
THOUGHT HER NAME WAS LUCIFER, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
ANA!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FOR
GOD'S SAKE!
PAUL
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, PILATES?! STOP THE INSANITY!
BOB
(The
stuffing flies out of the mattress and pillows completely. It pours down feathers) ANA!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FOR
GOD'S SAKE!
BOB
ANA!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
FOR
GOD'S SAKE!
ALL
THREE
ANA, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! (Sung) 2,000 COUNTRY PHEASANTS, BAVARIAN GEESE AND A PRIZE
TURKEY, TITANIC! (They point to the ceiling in terror as rubber
chickens fall down on ANA) POULET, POULET, POULET! (they pronounce it
'pull it')
BOB
To
tell you the truth, I'm just glad we put it in six.
ANA
(Spent
and barely conscious, ANA looks like the ground after a cock-fight) Beep,
beep, beep. (The buzzer malfunctions and is barely audible) be....ep,
b.....p, b.... (It short circuits in her hand sending sparks and smoke flying in all directions which cause the emergency sprinklers to go off soaking only her
bed)
BOB
Let
me say something, mujer.
ANA
(Only nods)
BOB
I
mean sequentially not disgustingly, you understand.
ANA
(Nods)
BOB
The
only sequential obligation is disgustingly in six and not in two.
ANA
(Nods)
MICHAEL
(Throws
sawdust at ANA in an attempt to dry her off) Disgustingly, NO.
Disgustedly, YES. SEQUENTIALLY.
BOB
(to MICHAEL) NO,
YES and YES! (to ANA) THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU SERIOUSLY STUPID MUJER! DIDN'T YOU SEQUENTIALLY HEAR ME?!
ANA
(Nods
yes and no confused)
BOB
DON'T
SEQUENTIALLY CONFUSE ME, MUJER!
MICHAEL
WAIT
A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! (PAUL takes the wall clock off the wall and
hurls it at ANA which fixes her buzzer. It is twice as loud)
ANA
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP,
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!! (The sound of car alarms, church
bells, dogs barking, dolphin and whale sonar is heard)
HOSPITAL
NURSE VOICE OVER
WILL
THE OWNER OF AN OX BLOOD, RED RAM PICK-UP TRUCK WITH A MOON ROOF, LICENSE PLATE NUMBER NYC 666 PLEASE MOVE
YOUR VEHICLE? IT IS IN THE WAY OF AN ICEBERG. THANK YOU.
BOB
LIKE HELL IT IS!
PAUL
I'LL
GET THE JUMPER CABLES!
MICHAEL
WHAT
ABOUT ME, ME, ME?!!!
BOB,
ANA and PAUL
AND
THAT WAS IN THREE!!! (ANA beeps three times)
MICHAEL
I'M
SO SICK OF YOUR DISGUSTEDLY DISGUSTING SEQUENCES! I JUST WANT A NON CONSEQUENTIAL SEQUENTIAL REALITY!
PAUL
I
JUST WANT SEQUENTIAL GAY PORNOGRAPHY!
MICHAEL and BOB
SHUT
THE HELL UP, PAUL! (ANA beeps)
PAUL
(Panics
and queers out, producing several self-inflating life vests and a raft from a
door in the wall. He throws them around the room wildly) SEQUENCE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,
WAIT!!!!
BOB
MUJER,
I SEQUENTIALLY THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS ON PERSONAL GAIN!
ANA
BEEEEEEEEEP!
BEEEEEEEEEP!
BOB
HOW
VERY DARE YOU, MUJER?! THERE IS NOTHING SEQUENTIALLY WRONG WITH THE
WAY I DISGUSTINGLY COMMUNICATE!
MICHAEL
and PAUL
(They are both inside the raft wearing life vests) SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE, SEQUENCE!
ANA
BEEEEEEEEEEP? (Asking a question with her face)
PAUL, BOB and MICHAEL
JOYCE
DEWITT?
ANA
(Confused)
BEEEEP?
PAUL, BOB and MICHAEL
NEVER
MIND, NEVER MIND!
ALL
(The
following dialogue is screamed simultaneously. The order and character screaming them is irrelevant as they approach Gaymageddon. Giant foam
pieces of ice descend from the ceiling. The hospital furniture, which
is all on casters rolls violently from one side of the room to the
other. An inflatable giant Killer Whale drops and hangs from the ceiling. ANA only beeps) BEEEEEEEP!!!! EVEN THOUGH, I DON'T
SEQUENTIALLY ENJOY YOU AND BOB DISGUSTEDLY. SEQUENTIALLY DISGUSTEDLY
COMMUNICATING ABOUT THE STUPID SEQUENCES, THE ONLY CONTRACTUAL
OBLIGATION IS THAT I ENJOY THE SEQUENTIAL REALITY. MICHAEL, THERE ARE
SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES FOR ENJOYING THE SEQUENTIAL REALITY. SEQUENCE! I
ONLY DEFENDED THE MUJER BECAUSE SHE CAN SEQUENTIALLY CONTACT THE EMS
IN HETEROSEXUAL PORNOGRAPHY. BUT BOB, YOU FART GLITTER! SEQUENCE!
DON'T DISGUSTINGLY DEFEND PAUL! BUT I PRETENDED THAT PAUL WAS THE
MUJER SO I CAN. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!! I HATE TO
ADMIT IT BUT DISGUSTINGLY, I HAVE TO SEQUENTIALLY AGREE. BOB! (In the
clear) SHE IS SEQUENTIALLY THE ONLY DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUSLY STUPID
MUJER!!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BUT I WANT TO. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!
MICHAEL
WHY,
WHY, WHY?!!!!!!!!! (A chunk of ice wacks him on the head)
BOB
Is
it sequentially time for shuffle board on the Lido Deck yet? (A ship
horn is heard that rattles the rafters. The glass ceiling breaks)
PAUL
OH
LOOK, MOLLY BROWN'S SEQUINED CLUTCH!
ANA
(Flatlines)
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... (ANA is dead)
A GIANT SCRIM DESCENDS BEHIND THE PROSCENIUM
HOSPITAL MALE NURSE VOICE OVER
THE
MAURITANIA HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
MICHAEL, BOB and PAUL
SEQUENCE!
A PROJECTION OF A LARGE CLOCK APPEARS ON THE SCRIM AND IN ONE INSTANT ADVANCES TO 10:12
A PROJECTION OF A LARGE CLOCK APPEARS ON THE SCRIM AND IN ONE INSTANT ADVANCES TO 10:12
BLACKOUT
THE END
THE END
